detachment parenting
7/20/2008
Back in business!
*
Hooray! Songs of Experience is making a comeback … with a little help from my friends.
Beginning soon, SoE will be a group blog for my seejanerun running group of moms.
Each Jane will have a username, password, and editing privileges so the running/mothering conversation will go out in 25 different directions like spokes on a wheel.
I can’t wait to see what comes of opening this blog up to a collective.
Mama Birdsongs of Experience, here we come!
3/28/2008
nada y pues nada y pues nada
Good night,” said the younger waiter.
“Good night,” the other said. Turning off the electric light he continued the conversation with himself. It is the light of course but it is necessary that the place be clean and light. You do not want music. Certainly you do not want music. Nor can you stand before a bar with dignity although that is all that is provided for these hours. What did he fear? It was not fear or dread. It was a nothing that he knew too well. It was all a nothing and a man was nothing too. It was only that and light was all it needed and a certain cleanness and order. Some lived in it and never felt it but he knew it was already nada y pues nada y pues nada. Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada
LOG OFF
3/5/2008
spring changes
2/18/2008
this little piggy went home
I should be making dinner for my kids right now - they’re really hungry - but I can’t take care of anything until I get this off my chest. A few hours ago, as I was heading into my favorite trail with my two younger daughters (because it is late February and this is when the daffodils bloom along Banshee), I encountered a woman and her teenage daughter coming out of this very trail with two huge bunches of freshly-picked daffodils. I was truly shocked and it felt like someone just kicked me in the stomach. I couldn’t help blurting, “Did you just pick those?!” “Oh, yes,” said the greedy little pig, “There are tons.” Tons? Really? NOT ANYMORE, I wanted to scream. (There were, in fact, only about 7 daffodils left on the trail after she harvested several dozen for her private dinner table). I told her, “That is terrible; those flowers should be for everyone to enjoy.” She defensively muttered something about “did you donate this land?” but I was too upset to even SEE those cut flowers (not one but TWO huge bunches of flowers in that piggy girl’s fist). As I marched away, I told my own daughters to never never never never pick flowers on public property. “We know,” they said. Then my 6 year-old added, “If they wanted flowers why didn’t they plant some in their OWN yard?” Indeed.
Those February Daffodils along Banshee could have been the glory of hundreds of runners and walkers for weeks, but instead only two people enjoyed them.
“And then they die,” said my other daughter.
Is there a law on the books for public green space: “Please don’t pick the flowers”?
I guess I’ll go cook dinner now … but I’ve lost my appetite.
2/12/2008
no no Narcissus for 40 days
It is Lent once again, and rather than participate in what I call the sorority Lenten diet (giving up dessert for 40 days before spring break, so they can fit into their bikinis), I am going to try - TRY being the operative word here, considering the flop of my last attempt at a streak - to do 10 minutes of “mindful/prayerful” yoga every evening. One of my favorite conversations to have with my daughters is the “What are you going to do for Lent?” on Ash Wednesday. Here’s what my kids have come up with:
Lizzie, age 6 - clear the dinner dishes every night
Rosie, age 10 - kiss everyone goodnight (which is “blecch!” for her)
Sarah Jane, age 14, - try (again TRY) not to look at her reflection - in mirrors or store-front windows, turned-off televisions, or metal doorknobs. This, for a teenage girl is, OMG!, way difficult. But I know she’s capable of rising to the challenge. She’s allowed to get ready for school using her bathroom mirror, but after that, no face or hair or outfit checks.
Could you do it?
This excerpt from WB Yeats’ poem, A Prayer for My Daughter, helps illuminate why one might want to avoid looking-glasses.
“May she be granted beauty and yet not
Beauty to make a stranger’s eye distraught,
Or hers before a looking-glass, for such,
Being made beautiful overmuch,
Consider beauty a sufficient end,
Lose natural kindness and maybe
The heart-revealing intimacy
That chooses right, and never find a friend.”
2/8/2008
I do run run run, I do run run
*
Well, that’s it. My St. John’s wort experiment is over. How’s this for a newspaper headline?:
Tummy Trouble Trumps Trial
Maybe I’ll try one of those sunlamps next, or go au natural. This ridiculously warm February weather in North Carolina has been amazing to run in and ripping through the woods, truly dappled with sunlight, has created ample endorphins to cure the blues.
How about:
Ample Endorphins Enhance Ectoplasm
what is ectoplasm anyway? Dr. Oz? err, I mean, Eric?
Let’s have a googlook …
Ectoplasm generally refers to the outer part of a cell’s cytoplasm.
* Ectoplasm (paranormal), a physical substance that manifests as a result of “spiritual energy” or “psychic phenomenon”
* Ectoplasm (radio show), a BBC Radio 4 comedy series
* the outer bodily regions of the jelly fish
* a cocktail with vodka
Ahhh, definition number 4 looks interesting.
Let’s google-image that one: 
I am certain that will help with mild depression … however, it may also result in tummy trouble.
What’s a sad girl to do?
da do run run run
da do run run
Robust Running Revives Retina
I really do feel so much better when I run in the sun.
1/30/2008
50 days on St. John’s Wort, continued.
1/29/2008
master or weedhopper?
1/25/2008
St. John’s Wort as a tincture
Today is Day 13 on St. John’s Wort and, guess what?, I forgot to take it yesterday. Does that mean I should take two today? Hmmm …. maybe Dr. Eric could consult here. I remember a while ago when Eric was skeptical about “syndromes” (when I blogged about DHEA), so I imagine an herbal remedy won’t gibe with his western medicine sensibilities (though Seattle is geographically closer to Eastern medicine than we are here in Chapel Hill).
Anyway, I think I’ll just get back on schedule with one 300mg capsule at lunch. When friends have asked me how my experiment is going, I can only note feeling much better on all my runs. I haven’t felt that sluggish, slammed feeling in … let’s see now … about 13 days. Perhaps St. John’s Wort is restorative for muscles as well as the brain.
A quick google search revealed this for “st. john’s wort/restorative muscles:”
St. John’s Wort is also useful for other conditions. Many times with great success I have recommended St. John’s Wort oil or tincture for bed wetting, stiff arthritic joints, Bell’s palsy, and shingles and as a restorative for exhausted nervous systems. One man with painful muscles and joints applies the oil topically along his spine. Shortly thereafter, the pain is relieved and he is able to sleep. Another person has difficulty sleeping through the night. She takes St. John’s Wort tincture internally in conjunction with some other herbs. She now sleeps more soundly. Another elderly woman came to see me with such stiff hands that she could no longer play the piano. She massaged St. John’s Wort oil into her hands three times a day as well as taking another herb internally and within a short time she was playing the piano again.
I have been playing the piano again; a coincidence or side effect? 
1/21/2008
Day 8
1/19/2008
Day 6
Yesterday, Day 6, was symptom-free except for a slight difference in my temporal lobes. It was as if more light was in my brain, coming from the sides of my head - through the lobes. One of the known side effects of St. John’s Wort is photosensitivity, so maybe the brain/eye actually does let in more light. Or maybe there was a placebo effect; I read “photosensitivity”and believed I was more sensitive to light. My reading suggested my reaction. If one feels depressed in the winter months due to sunlight deprivation, it would make sense that a drug (or herb) that could actually stimulate light receptors would be effective. A sunlamp would also work, though I haven’t tried that. My brother used to tan himself under a sunlamp. Are those the same sunlamps? I remember people used sunlamps to zap zits; is that still a remedy for acne?
I can see more research is necessary in my experiment of one!
1/17/2008
50 Days on Saint John’s Wort
I don’t really know what a meme is, but I think I’m starting one today … in medius rex. I am on day 5 of taking Saint John’s Wort, an herb/drug (yep, you read that right - “drug” - come all ye with the cries of “Hypocrite!”). Saint John’s Wort is a holistic remedy (or not) for mild depression. I tend to get very blue in the winter months, so I thought I’d try an experiment on myself for 50 days … because there are exactly 50 300mg capsules in the bottle I purchased form Weaver Street Market. I didn’t chart my mood for Days 1,2,3 or 4, but I did look up the side effects on-line for livestock who eat the plant that Saint John’s Wort comes from and it said this:
“Mania and hyperactivity may also result including running in circles until exhausted.”
Well, geez, I’ve been doing that for 30 years … every Wednesday night at the track. I can handle that side effect.
On day five I have observed the following three things:
1.) Dave is calling this herb “Saint Joan’s Wort.”
2.) I don’t fall asleep as easily at night … racing thoughts and all that.
3.) I am feeling slight trepidation when I actually swallow the pill (more so than on Day 1).
Maybe St. John’s Wart is what caused my pajama day.
It looks harmless enough in the photo:
1/14/2008
pajama days
I was feeling surly today, so I decided to run in my pajamas again. Have you ever thought, “I just can’t be bothered to change into running clothes”? That’s what I was feeling today and yesterday. If I have to change clothes, I won’t run. I was warm and comfy in my week-end pink pj’s yesterday and, rather than change into running layers for the cold, I drove over to the trail-head “as is” - assuming I’d make the quick change to real clothes in the parking lot. Instead, I laced on my shoes and hit the trail in my flowing pink pajamas. Wow, was I fast! (or, at least I thought I was). That silk really cut the wind. I was completely set free from convention - and routine. Surely, that truculence was out of my system …
Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning unable to budge from my cozy bed again. Hmmmm? Perhaps that electric blanket we got for Christmas wasn’t such a great idea after all. I decided to try the power of pj’s again. Where I was alone yesterday in my freaky outfit, today I met a group of ladies for a track workout. “Are those pajamas?!” they wondered, laughing. “Why yes,” I admitted, “I’m feeling surly today.” We all jogged over to the track - me with my spikes and pj’s - and did our extremely grueling 5 sets of 5 X 100m sprints. I might have cried had it not been for those pajamas. Seriously.
I wonder if anyone else has a trick to make it out the door on those “I don’t wanna run days.”
Remember the camp song?:
“I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot;
I wear my woolly undies in the winter when it’s not;
and sometimes in the spring
and sometimes in the fall
I jump into the sheets with nothing on at all.”
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that!
1/2/2008
Black-eyed peas and mustard greens
There aren’t very many people in Chapel Hill who are actually FROM North Carolina, or the south, so you might not know about the traditional New Year’s day meal of black-eyed peas, mustard greens, and cornbread. Here’s what Dave read aloud from wikipedia before he prepared and served a delicious meal yesterday:
Black-eyed peas are traditionally eaten on New Year’s Day in the American South and in some other parts of the USA. The traditional meal also features collard or mustard greens or cabbage. This is supposed to bring good luck and financial enrichment. The peas stand for good luck, the greens symbolize paper money. Cornbread also often accompanies this meal.
These “good luck” traditions date back to the U.S. Civil War. Union troops, especially in areas targeted by General William Tecumseh Sherman, would typically strip the countryside of all stored food, crops, and livestock and destroy whatever they couldn’t carry away. At that time, Northerners considered “field peas” and corn suitable only for animal fodder, and as a result didn’t steal or destroy these humble foods. Many Southerners survived as a result of this mistake.[1]
INGREDIENTS
* 1 1/2 pounds mustard greens
* 4 strips bacon, chopped
* 1 Tbs. canola oil
* one medium onio, chopped fine
* one medium celery stal, chopped fine
* 1 1/2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
* 2 150z cans black-eyed peas, drained and rinsed
* 1-2 Tbs cider or red wine vinegar
* salt
* freshly ground black pepper, to taste
Wash the mustard greens in several changes of cold water, stripping off the leafy green portions from either side of the tough central stalk. Discard the stalks and rip the leafy portions into small pieces. Shake to remove the excess water.Cook the bacon and oil in a medium dutch oven until the bacon is crisp, about 6 minutes. Add the onion and celery and cook until softened, about 6 minutes.Add 1 cup ctock and mustard greens, stir well and cover the pan. Cook, stirring once or twice, until the greens have wilted, about 4 minutes.Stir in the black-eyed peas and remaining 1/2 cup stock and cover the pan again. Cook, stirring until peas are heated through and the greens are tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in the vinegar and salt and pepper to taste.Serve immediately with hot cornbread on the side.
12/22/2007
making a difference
11/29/2007
Retrieve. Retrieve.
Basket
“You should go
from place to place
recovering the poems
that have been written for you,
to which you can affix your signature.
Don’t discuss these matters
with anyone.
Retrieve. Retrieve.When the basket is full
someone will appear
to whom you can present it.”
from Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing
11/9/2007
Drugs Killed Ryan Shay
This morning as I was groggily driving to get my car serviced, only a few sips into my morning coffee, I glanced over to make eye contact with a handsome, square-jawed young man who was merging into my lane. The Beatles song, Blackbird, was playing and I looked into this man’s eyes the way you do sometimes with strangers, and thought, “It’s Ryan Shay. He’s not dead. He’s alive and driving on I-40.” But, of course, he is dead. I was there, in New York, at the Olympic Trials - coaching from my Central Park northern post in Harlem; I participated in the terrifying game of telephone as fans up and down the race course passed the message that someone went down at mile 5, that an ambulance has whisked away one of our own. None of us in our intimate, extended running family wanted to believe it. This can’t have happened, not to someone as strong and brave and all-American as Ryan Shay. Ryan was our everyman, our steadfast soldier , the midwesterner with the big heart (oh, God, I realize how sad that is) whose workload and ability to take pain was as fabled as a Paul Bunyan tall tale.
I met Ryan Shay only once. I was in Morocco on my last world cross-country team and he was on his first. This college freshman may have been baby-faced, but he was no boy. He ran like a man. Feminists like me shouldn’t say things like, “He ran like a man,” (or “throws like a girl”- ugh!), but there was something about the way Shay carried himself that was different from the other boys.
I didn’t learn of his 140-mile training weeks at altitude until after his death. I didn’t know he believed this marathon trials was his last chance to make an Olympic team. So, when I read all about this everyman hero who burst his heart in effort, I - like so many runners throughout the world - became obsessed with “Why?!” Like Shay’s father, who demanded an autopsy to dispel any rumors of performance-enhancing drug use, I felt an urgency to uncover the truth. I spent countless hours Googling and reading stories on LetsRun. I tried to read between the lines when they spoke of “enlarged heart” and “adrenal fatigue;” was this code for EPO and HGH? I didn’t sleep well all week; I was foggy in my work as a mom and coach. I was so sad and I didn’t know why.
But then, this morning, I saw that guy on the highway - Ryan - and it hit me. Performance-enhancing drugs killed Ryan Shay … not because he used them … God, NO!, he wasn’t dirty. He would never, could never, have cheated - not this hard-working, salt-of-the-earth, Bunyan-esque HERO. Oh, yes, Ryan Shay was clean clean clean clean clean … but he was competing on a dirty playing field. Don’t you see?!?!?? Drugs killed Ryan Shay because he broke his heart trying to catch up. He set out to prove that sheer, honest, brutal hard work was enough. He ran himself into the ground, into adrenal failure and eventual heart failure because he believed - Jesus, we ALL believed - that a clean athlete still has a chance in this f__cked up, drug-sucking, running world. But he didn’t have a chance. Drug cheats toe the starting line of every final in Olympic and World Championship events. We all know this but we turn a blind eye because, why?!, no harm done.
But HARM WAS DONE, PEOPLE!! Ryan Shay is dead. I have been crying all morning over this.
Alicia Craig Shay will cry every morning for the rest of her life over this.
Drugs killed Ryan Shay … and every single distance runner throughout the world who has ever injected himself or herself with EPO, who has ever taken one single gram of HGH or testosterone or whatever the latest untestable magic potion is; all you cheats who think, “I’m only hurting myself,” well, think again. YOU killed Ryan Shay.
At least Ryan Shay is free to fly and RUN in heaven on a clean playing field.
Blackbird
by, The Beatles
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
10/21/2007
happy/sad
It is late, nearly midnight, and I know I should be asleep. My family is all tucked in their separate beds; I can even hear them snoring. This is one of those nights where a life problem is stuck in my craw (where does that expression come from?). I just finished watching Bicycle Thieves (formerly called The Bicycle Thief) by - probably - my favorite director, Vittorio De Sica, and I am unable to make sense of my happy/sad feelings. I rented the movie so my 14 year-old could know it and know me. Last spring I made her sit through Cinema Paradiso much like my mother made me read her favorite books: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, To Kill a Mockingbird, East of Eden, etc. Afterward, Sarah Jane kissed me sweetly on her way to bed and wondered aloud, “Why don’t adult movies have happy endings?” But it was happy. Sort of. When the little boy, Bruno, reached up to hold his father’s hand in the midst of the most despairing moment an honest man can endure (caught stealing a bicycle out of desperation), I cried and sighed and felt all of my emotions smear like the crayon-shaving leaves we made this week-end.
That little boy will be a man in the blink of an eye. My three girls will be hare today, goon tomorrow (from Little Bunny Foo Foo) and then it will be over … this parenting thing. I spent the first decade of parenthood complaining to high heaven about how hard it is/was and wishing I had “a life” only to realize in this second decade of being a mom that I have the greatest, fleeting!, life imaginable. Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe I rented Bicycle Thief because I wanted to be the one who showed it to Sarah Jane (before her film teachers at NYU assigned it for historical perspective). Maybe I wanted to make autumn crayon-shaving leaves with my middle child all morning Saturday (making one helluva mess in my kitchen) because next year she won’t want to. Maybe I gave my Lizzie too many kisses after her bathie tonight because she might start saying “Yuck!” tomorrow. I can’t bear this … this time flying-ness of life. I want to hold on to their chubby hands and feel safe. Why don’t adult movies have happy endings? Because they’re like real life, Saries.
10/9/2007
wall of infamy
Marion Jones’ fake-ass, tearful apology for her shameful and criminal use of performance-enhancing drugs has me ranting again.
First, I e-mailed the coaches at my alma mater, UNC Chapel Hill, to ask if they plan to take Marion down from the Wall of Fame (I have received no response yet). Then I phoned in to the NPR talk show, Talk of the Nation, to comment on the story they were doing about Doping. They took my call! I wanted to know why everyone is referring to this as a moral or ethical issue. Drug cheats are no different than common thieves, I said.
Next, I wrote the guest cheater on NPR, Joe Papp (cyclist serving a two year suspension) and asked him:
Hello Joe,
I was the caller on Talk of the Nation who spoke today about the criminal element in using performance-enhancing drugs. I want to ask you if someone broke into your house and stole your High Def TV or if someone broke into your bank account through identity theft and stole thousands of dollars, don’t you think that thief should go to prison? Why aren’t you in jail? And also, why do you keep referring to the DRUGS you took as medicine? You weren’t sick; you are a thief.
Keep telling your story and maybe the next generation of athletes will see that crime doesn’t pay.
Unlike the UNC track & field department, Joe DID write me back, immediately. Here’s what he had to say:
Hi Joan,
Thanks for contacting me.
With regards the criminal aspect, I think that is the area where the anti doping agencies have the best chance to profoundly influence sport. If more countries criminalize the use of performance-enhancing drugs, it will be a much more serious deterrent.
As far as my use of the words medicine or drugs - the products I used were medicines, albeit ones that we used inappropriately. Even amphetamines had a legitimate medical use in some cases.
Anyway, if you want to talk more [with phone #]
Best,
Joe
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