The gist of my other post is that men are driven to “do better than Dad did”; do women feel that same competitive (and lifelong) drive? Do girls need to “outpace Mom (or Dad)?” And, as a poster stated above–men are that way because that’s the way they are: Must. Do. Better. Than. Dad (and, folks, Dad don’t jest *let* da boy win…).

My children run. I *want* them all to beat me…someday.

Jim, I know you don’t race often, but when you do haven’t you noticed that there are women in the races too? You are allowed to compete against them. They’re competing against you, whether you like it or not.

Joan and I compete against one another frequently, with depressingly similar outcomes. The same one of us always starts out ahead and then gets passed by the other. That’s likely to change next time. Joan, are you running Four on the Fourth? Joan has a few huge factors working in her favor — she’s 7 1/2 years younger, has much more natural running ability, and hasn’t destroyed her legs pounding out long races and high mileage weeks on hard surfaces. All I have in my favor is a little Y chromosome.

Evidence of my lack of running talent … in the high school track season that has just ended, my 15-year-old daughter tried track for the first time — not because of any interest in track, just trying to get faster and stronger for basketball. Despite being so new at the sport, she can now run 400m as fast as my best ever and can run 200m a few seconds faster than my all-time best. (And in phys ed today she ran a mile faster than I have done in several months.)

So here I am. I am a few years into the no man’s land of not-quite-middle-aged mothers’ unemployment. I think I may try to go back to work one day. I realize that I never will be the feared litigator I once thought I may become. That is something I missed because I chose to stay home with my children. I think about it occasionally, and like the cliched fuzzy daydream scene in a Lifetime movie, I think about what my life would be like had I not had children or had I dumped mine in daycare. I absolutely cannot imagine having anywhere near the same fulfillment or satisfaction from a career that I get from my guys. Every day I am sure that I have made the right choice. There always will be ways for me to contribute to those outside of my family, but this is the only chance I have here.

“I love my work, and I’ve always derived a large part of my identity through my work,” she told me. “I’m truly tortured. Men get a standing ovation if they miss a meeting, because of parenting; women miss whole careers.”

I don’t know if this little bit of folksy wisdom is true with respect to blue whales, but the point is made well.

Mothers are mothers because they are women - women and men are not the same. They AREN’T. All the “ought to”’s that we can generate won’t make them the same. As long as biology has different roles and functions, they’ll be different.

As far as how mothers are “unpaid labor” - well, men are unpaid labor. I don’t know how much money the usual guy gets to keep, but mine goes into the family kitty - ALL of it. I don’t have my “own money”, and neither does she. So I don’t earn money - my family does. And I don’t raise kids - my family does.

All economics boils down to choices.

BTW - why should I have to compete with men when I race, but you get to compete with women?

…and another interesting financial tidbit is that, according to statistics, I’m going to DIE soon after retirement, and she’s going to live. So she’ll be spending the money that we earned on some young Porsche salesman

jim p.

Would you have dropped your children at a man-run daycare? Have hired a man to babysit your daughters? I am a man, and I wouldn’t…

The original choice is to have children or not (some might extend that to whether one should marry), after that, even when they seem less like “choices” and more like “consequences,” the actions follow from that first choice. You are helping raise the next generation; isn’t that worthy of respect, self respect, and congratulations? Don’t let some book burden you with “coulda woulda shoulda” disease.

Should a man have to work more and more hours once the children come (the average husband increases his workweek by some number of hours every time a child is born)? DAMN STRAIGHT HE SHOULD! Should the husband of a full-time mother focus all his energies on maximizing family income? HELL YES! Should he carry a minimum of 10x yearly salary in life insurance? YOU KNOW IT! And should he sign over all assets to the family should the marriage dissolve? YOU GOT IT!

A monumental success of modern Feminism, no-fault divorce freed a small percentage of women from difficult situations, while dooming the remainder (i.e., the vast majority) to the risk of future financial difficulties. I am deeply sorry that your marriage ended, and I typically blame the man for bailing–although it was Feminism that gave him the thumbs-up to do so. I would rather repair marriage and family before adding to the angst of “women get screwed with the dirty work.”

On the positive: you are an awesome role model (and you know it) for not just your daughters and for not just your janes, but for women and men, runners and even a few non-runners, as a person who continues to explore the limits of the opportunities ahead of her.

Like brain neurons, if you keep exploiting the opportunities, they will multiply. Do not replace your inherently optimistic lenses with those of some other, less optimistic outlook. You did the right thing. Certain aspects did not work out–and likely could have been managed differently in retrospect. But, I say again, you did the right thing.