Fat Charlie and JOCKO’s comments got me to thinking about reflection vs. self-reflection. To understand the distinction, you must ask yourself what master are you serving … self or other (“other” being God, or country, family, community, etc)? If you are serving yourself, then all reflection eventually degenerates from self-examination to narcissism and egomania. Egomaniacs, or what I will call self-addicts, can’t see beyond the nose on their face and they examine only the lint in their own, pitiful navel.
In the young adult fiction classic, Rumblefish, S.E. Hinton explains that if a mirror is placed against the tank of the “fighting fish” they will bash and bash their heads into the glass – thinking their own reflection is an enemy fish – until they kill themselves.
Self-obsession is a soul killer, especially for runners who spend so much time alone and lost in our own thoughts. We would all be wise to emulate Chicago Bears’ football legend, Gayle Sayers, who titled his autobiography, “I Am Third.” First is God, then his friends/family, and “I am third,” he said.
I went to Fat Charlie’s website to read what more he had to say on this subject and was quite moved to find that he is taking a hiatus from blogging. He had the wisdom and integrity to turn away from the mirror before bashing his head in.
from, Fat Charlie’s Diary
Fat Charlie’s Diary is going on hiatus. Last night, on the way home from work, I had
a wreck on the freeway on my motorcycle. It wasn’t bad – I was able to get the bike
home. But it occurred to me while I was riding home from the wreck that perhaps -
just perhaps – I am cursed, like the ensign in “Master and Commander”. There’s not
been much in my life that’s gone right in the last year and a half or so. And then
it occurred to me that that’s just about how long I’ve been doing this blog thing.Maybe exposing you folks to my life isn’t good for you, and thus I’m getting a lot
of bad karma. Maybe doing something as self-absorbing as writing a daily diary for
the world to see is, itself, damaging. But I know this – for twenty-six years, my
life got worse, and then I started going to meetings. Then, for nineteen years, my
life got better. Then I started blogging. Now, for a year and a half, it’s gotten worse.Coincidence? You decide
But whether or not my blogging is causing my cursedness, it can’t be any fun to read
about. And my response to my life is getting worse, as well. This morning, I packed
up three bags (yes, sir, yes, sir – three bags full) of clothes and ski gear to go
to the White Mountains this weekend for my first weekend of patrol. And I don’t want
to go, at all. I realized that I have no enthusiasm for the idea of driving four hours
and leaving my family to spend the weekend with a bunch of strangers – in fact, it
scares me (I just realized that, when I was typing it). And then I had to admit that
there is nothing – at all – that anyone could suggest, for which I would have any
enthusiasm (it occurred to me that, if Fidelity were to call and say “Come home to
Utah!” I might have some enthusiasm, but even if that happened, I wouldn’t get my
old home and mortgage back, and not only that, but whatever was wrong with me while
I was there would still be wrong with me, and I’d know it, so there’s no enthusiasm).That might be depression. It might be fatigue. But I suspect that it’s actually
spiritual maturity – i.e. the fact is, that ANY undertaking in the world will lead
the same place, and after one tries enough of them, one becomes aware of it. The
Course in Miracles says that many folks die when they learn this, because they
don’t realize that there’s something else outside the world. But I don’t have
the Connection that I used to think I had, to that Something (I mean, He is there,
keeping me sober and abstinent, but I don’t seem to be getting any directions or
information or inspiration, so while it doesn’t feel like I’m alone, it feels
like I’m in a car with somebody else who isn’t talking much).So I don’t have anything happy to say, and it may be that just typing this in
daily is doing more damage than good. So I think I’ll just take a hiatus. Maybe,
someday, I’ll start blogging again. But it won’t be until I’m over whatever it
is that I’m in (assuming that I’m in something over which it is possible to get
Charlie, you need to become invisible… to yourself. Putting your daily life under the microscope held a mirror up to your gaze and created an existence, a shell, that was not you.
Find yourself somewhere where no-one knows you; knows what you do; knows what you think, or stand for… and work on keeping it that way. Get wayyy under the radar.
Do all you can to avoid becoming “known”, even in your own line of expertise (if you have one). Deflect any gaze / praise / interest that comes your way (even if you deserve it). Walk quietly wherever you go. And if you ever find that you cannot attract enough attention to get served in a shop or a bar, don’t get pissed, instead allow yourself a little smile that maybe (just maybe) you’re getting this thing right.
The whole object of life is to become invisible (not only to everyone, but also) to yourself. That way your ego never gets enough breath to develop life and you’ll float as free as a bird. Heads turn when you walk in a diner and your ego is working wayyy too hard and “you” are not to be found.
Go quietly, my friend. I don’t expect to hear from (or about) you ever again (smile).
ps: I suspect (never read it) that the Course in Miracles means that everyone “dies” to themselves; ie: in a spiritual and not a physical sense.