songs of experience

I just spent the past hour paging through every one of my running journals from 1994-2000 trying to find my best time in the Gallop and Gorge, a local 8k that I run every Thanksgiving. It was to no avail, so I’m still all jumpy and squirrelly. I don’t know why I have to find this; it is absolutely meaningless to my present life (and I feel foolish even telling you about my OCD search that is not over yet), but I must track it down. I must. I feel safe knowing the objective facts of my life. Objectively, my daughters are 12,8, and 4 years old. Objectively, I am 5′ 1″ tall, my once-blonde hair is turning gray, and the mole on my left cheek is getting bigger (not worrysome though, my doctor informs me). Objectively, I ran 30:17 yesterday and came in 2nd place behind a senior cross-country runner from nearby Duke University. She ran the race in her training shoes - so, I’m sure it was simply her morning run. Still, I was pleased with my 6:03 pace effort 5 days after a treacherous 10-mile trail race in Charlottesville, Virginia.

I was able to track down my times from 2001 to present, but those were my “masters” years not my “elite” years. Maybe I am looking for proof that I was once fast. Silly. Why would seeing 26:53 written down make any difference? (I do think that’s what I ran in 1997, the same year I ran 26:16 in July).

2000, age 38 - pregnant with Lizzie, didn’t run
2001, age 39 - 29:29, 2nd to Betsy Kempter
2002, age 40 - 28:53, 2nd to Kim Certain
2003, age 41 - 29:53, 1st place
2004, age 42 - 29:21, 1st place
2005, age 43 - 30:17, 2nd to Dukie

Objectively, my recent five-year decline is not all that dramatic (a little over a minute), but the difference between 26:53 and 29:53 is world’s apart. I really was in another world at that time in my life … and she, Joan-Nesbit-the-runner, is alien to me now. What is prompting me to seek her out through my running journals?

British middle distance star, Sebastian Coe once wrote:

“Sport at the top is mentally complex. When you need an iron will, when the fires are fiercest, the catalyst can often be your own doubts. There is a side of me that has always doubted what I can do … I have felt vulnerable so often … however, the best performances in life, whatever you do, can stem from a conflict inside you, from the combination of a sense of imminent failure and the need to prove, to yourself and other people, that you’re not really afraid at all.”

Maybe the conflict inside me is falls under Eric Ericson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development:

Stage 7: Middle Adulthood
Age: 40 to 65 years
Conflict: Generativity vs. Stagnation

Maybe I need proof that I was once fast so that I can visualize myself generating success again (when my children are all safely in kindergarten, starting next September). I believe there is a sense of “imminent failure” for all mothers who are contemplating life after “staying-at-home.” And, yes Seb, I am afraid.

Now, where is that damn 8k time?